Hate Networking? Try Connecting Instead…
Why do so many introverts and quiet people hate networking?
Networking is a term that turns the stomach of many introverts and people with a quieter nature. Connotations of small talk, awkward, empty conversations and the sense that relationships are only being made to be ‘used’ later…
Yuck, right? But the thing is, connecting with people is key to success and happiness in life. In a business context, there is no denying the importance of maintaining connections. It provides us with ideas, support, introductions and opportunities. Having a ‘network’ of people that you can bounce ideas off, seek support from to solve a problem, or to open doors from is invaluable.
Yet, many quieter people, particularly in western countries grow up thinking that they are not good with people, or in social situations. Or they discover that they are an introvert, and use that as a justification, perhaps even an excuse for not ‘doing networking’.
Quiet Leaders are actually built to excel at connecting with people
But what if we consider a different perspective?
Let’s start with the attributes that make someone good at connecting with people…
Excellent listening skills? An interest in people? Ask good questions? Join dots between different subjects? Genuine? Authentic?
You see, the truth is that Quiet Leaders can excel at connecting with people. They love to go below the surface for deeper, more meaningful conversations, in which both parties feel listened to and understood. By engaging with curiosity, asking questions, being interested in people and focusing on others instead of sweating about themselves, they can engage with confidence and maybe even enjoy the experience!
So before going further, we suggest a simple reframe. Words have meaning. If a word has a negative association, such as ‘dieting’, or in this case ‘networking’, then it can be empowering to replace it with a more positive word. In this case, we propose replacing ‘networking’ with ‘connecting’.
This way we are developing a reason and a strategy to pursue something that our brain sees as exciting, and we want to do, like connecting with people. Rather than trying to find coping mechanisms for something that remains intrinsically negative for us, like networking.
So now, we have a different outlook. We are not learning ways to make networking tolerable. Instead we are looking for ways to thrive by making meaningful connections with people!
How do we pivot from ‘nasty networking’ to ‘cool connecting’?
Despite the many strengths described above, the natural tendency of a quieter person may be to keep their head down. This can lead to missed opportunities. Social events that could lead to connections get avoided and requests to do important presentations get turned down.
Without self-awareness and action, introverts can become too lost in their work, resulting in peers and colleagues feeling neglected from a lack of contact and end up being ‘out of sight, out of mind’ from their bosses.
A Quiet Leader on the other hand recognises the need to continuously stretch and challenge themselves in order to grow. They schedule this in, setting aside time each day to check-in with colleagues, to walk the floor, interact with people, connect with their social networks and keep their bosses informed of progress on key initiatives. If attending social events, they plan ahead, developing a strategy that they can apply with confidence and authenticity.
At Quiet Leaders Academy, we have developed a 4 step process to help Quiet Leaders maintain meaningful, fulfilling connections with people, whilst staying true to themselves.
1) Understand why you want (and need) to connect with people
We have already established that connecting with people is a good thing, and essential to living a good life. However, that doesn’t mean that it comes naturally. In order to find anything truly meaningful, it is helpful to understand why we are doing it in the first place.
As a starting point, it is helpful to clarify in more specific terms why connecting with people is important on a personal level.
We can do this by asking ourselves what higher level aspirations will be served from connecting with people. Perhaps you want to grow your business, learn from others, contribute to your field, or help others.
We also need to reflect on what an ideal, strong network of connections would look like on a personal level. For some it may be a large group of loose connections, for others it’s a small group of deeper connections. Do you want to have regular contact, or less frequent interactions? Is it a global or local network, do you prefer to connect face-to-face, or online?
If you can’t find a good reason to connect with people, then it could be worth considering your career direction. We have coached many people who could not motivate themselves to maintain their network at all. After doing some deeper coaching work, they realised that their field of work was never going to be meaningful enough to drive them to build connections. However, after transitioning into a career that inspired them, or by finding another source of purpose in their work, suddenly they found themselves doing whatever it took to connect with people in their business life.
2) Develop a strategy to successfully connect with people
Once you know why you want to connect with people, you need to figure out how you would like to go about it…
We need to consider that we are all different. Not all people of a quieter nature feel the same about connecting with people.
You may thrive in professional social settings, working the room confidently, but then feel drained of all energy when you get home. You may be a superstar on social media, creating engaging posts and witty comments, but uncomfortable when face-to-face.
By being prepared, you can confidently engage on your terms. This vastly reduces the guilt and self-doubt caused by avoiding or neglecting your connections, or by failing to meet some made-up expectation of what good networking looks like. You can lean on your strengths, for example, many Quiet Leaders express themselves best in writing. Strong writing skills are highly valuable for connecting via social media and email.
You also need to set realistic expectations for yourself, don’t punish yourself for not being the next Bill Clinton. Aspire to, and do the work to be a strong version of yourself instead.
Your strategy needs should cover who you want to develop better connections with. Think about connections you have that are already important to you, but there is room for improvement with how you connect with them. Also, consider what new connections you need to make, and where they hang out.
There are many different arenas where you can connect with people. Each one requires different techniques to be effective. Some examples include; LinkedIn (or other social media), at work (remote), at work (in-person), conferences, networking lunches/dinners.
For each of these, consider what you are willing and unwilling to do. For example, when it comes to LinkedIn you may be willing to connect with new people outside of your existing network, but unwilling to post public comments. For conferences, you may be willing to attend an in-person conference, but unwilling to go to the networking reception.
In each case, when you state you are unwilling, challenge yourself as to why that is. Is there a good reason, or is this actually an opportunity for you to stretch, challenge yourself and grow?
3) Design Habits to integrate ‘connecting’ seamlessly into your daily life
By designing small habits that fit into our existing routines, you can relatively seamlessly implement new behaviours that will turbocharge the development and maintenance of your networks. At Quiet Leaders Academy we highly recommend the Tiny Habits Method. All of our members' sections provide detailed guidance on exactly how to design and implement habits and behaviours, but for the purpose of this article we can focus on deciding simply on the small behaviours that we want.
Here are some examples of habits that our coaching clients have found success with. Sally wanted to grow her LinkedIn network, so she decided to add one new connection every day. Steve wanted to get better at staying in touch with his existing network, so he would email one of his connections everyday to check in. Aisha wanted to get closer to her direct reports, so she would invite one of them for coffee each morning. Ahmed had the same aspiration, but selected a different habit, so would pop across to one colleague's desk to check-in on his way back from lunch.
This approach can be slightly adjusted for networking events, but the approach of taking small steps still applies. Jen would decide that she was off the hook if she made three quality new connections each day at the conference. Simon gave himself permission (in advance) to leave the drinks reception after 1 hour, thereby liberating himself to engage more fully whilst he was there. He also added a small habit to take 3 deep breaths before entering the room to ease his anxiety and increase his energy and presence.
As with all of our work, it is important to be yourself (just the grown-up, best version of it). Stay authentic, you are not in a competition with more extroverted people. You don’t need to be the joker, to be the last one at the bar. You can be that interesting, insightful person. Engaging, cool, calm, collected and confident to leave on their own terms with a few good connections. Don’t pretend to be something you are not and be kind to yourself.
4) Practise, monitor progress and modify
Remember that confidence is an outcome, not an input. Confidence is a skill, not a personality trait and it grows through practice, through action. If you wait for “I will do that when I get more confident”, that day will never come. So get practising,
Even if something doesn’t feel quite right, it can be fun to try things out, sometimes we surprise ourselves with unexpected things having much bigger impacts than expected!
Our clients mentioned above found these practices to be transformational, with the small habits having huge cumulative effects, and also growing into bigger habits and multiplying into new behaviours over time.
Lastly, remember that connecting with people is supposed to be fun. Try engaging a little bit more in everyday life. Build confidence in safe spaces; the barista, delivery person, checkout staff, gas station attendant, person in the elevator. What is the worst that could happen? Heck, you might even enjoy it!
(Bonus) Tips for Introverts to Network Successfully
Focus on learning, think about what you can learn from each interaction or event. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to try to be interesting, be interested instead.
Be prepared. Do your homework when meeting someone new. Just remember not to go into CIA mode, you are not stalking someone and don’t want to come over as creepy, but noting a couple of interesting points from someone’s Bio or LinkedIn profile and asking questions about them increases the likelihood of an engaging conversation.
Be kind to yourself, your energy needs to be managed. Give yourself permission to leave when your social battery needs recharged. Watch out for caffeine and alcohol. It can seem tempting to lean on these as crutches, but overuse of either has adverse implications.
Networking doesn’t have to be transactional. Put into practice the new positioning you have developed whilst working through this guide. Make your interactions about giving, not taking. Focus on what you can give, not what you can get and you will be amazed how rewarding it can be.
Introverts can actually be better than extroverts at this game. Wait, what? Yup, lean on your strengths, such as active listening and empathy are skills that can help you thrive.
Some advice would tell you that it’s ok to skip big networking events and instead have deep, regular catch-ups with a closer-knit smaller network. This might be good advice for you, but equally your job may expect or demand that you attend these kinds of events. Even if it doesn’t, be sure you are not using your introversion as an excuse not to stretch yourself.
If you do need to attend larger scale networking events, play to your strengths. If it is a conference, listen for 2-3 insightful nuggets from each session, then have these up your sleeve for the coffee break interactions. Prepare a few questions that you will use in each interaction. Ask them, listen, and engage with the responses, then move on if the conversation is done. Make it a goal to connect with a certain number of people, then celebrate the success and retreat to wherever you need to to recharge the batteries. Give yourself permission to leave early. Accept this up front and be ready to politely inform people that you are leaving. Then engage freely for the short period when you are there. This is far healthier than spending time disengaged and dying to leave, it’s also much better than feeling bad for sneaking out.
Use social media to your advantage. In particular, LinkedIn is designed for professionals to connect with each other. Build some muscles here. You can start by adding new connections and privately messaging people, progressing to liking and commenting on relevant and interesting posts. Ultimately you may want to start creating your own content if it fits with your strategy.
Leverage the power of one-to-one conversations. Introverts connect best at a deeper level and without the (over)stimulation of having lots of people involved, or around the conversation. Grab a coffee or a lunch if possible, in-person or over zoom, and build business relationships and friendships at a deeper level.